How to cope with friendship bullying

Friendship bullying has many similarities with regular bullying, but because it happens within a friendship group, the bullied child may think it’s a normal part of having friends.

‘It can be hard for them to know if it’s just “banter”, especially if their so-called friend is saying, “It was just a joke,” or, “Can’t you take it?”’ says Wendy.

Friendship bullying is nothing new, but the use of smartphones, tablets and social media has taken it to a new level.

‘It used to be that when children got home from school, they had a break from whatever was happening during the school day,’ says Wendy.

‘But now, because of phones, tablets and social media, it’s relentless. The bullying that used to stop at 3.15pm now carries on late into the evening, and it can have a devastating impact.’

These days, there’s a whole new world of tools for bullies to use, from malicious text messages to sending humiliating pictures via group chats. And while you might think your primary school child is too young to be affected, 40% of seven- to 10-year-olds know someone who has been cyberbullied.

Friendship bullying can have a profound impact on children. Because it’s a friend who’s saying or doing unpleasant things, your child may take them to heart. They may also be reluctant to tell anyone because it seems disloyal, or because they’re afraid of losing their friend altogether.

‘Children can be very confused if their friends suddenly turn on them, and they don’t know what they’ve done,’ says Wendy.

The effects of friendship bullying will depend on the nature of what’s going on and your child’s personality, but symptoms to look out for include:

• Belongings getting ‘lost’ or damaged
• Unexplained injuries like bruises
• Being afraid to go to school, or feigning illness to avoid school
• A decline in performance at school
• Nervousness, loss of confidence or becoming withdrawn
• Problems with eating or sleeping, including nightmares
• Depression and anxiety

‘Friendship bullying can have a huge effect on children’s self-worth,’ Wendy explains. ‘We’ve seen a worrying rise in calls from children who are having suicidal thoughts, and some of these are feeling isolated or victimised.’

If you find out that your child is being bullied by a friend, it’s tempting to go in all guns blazing, but it’s important to stay calm. Wendy has the following advice:

Give your child space to talk about what’s been happening. Don’t rush them or jump to conclusions.

Talk to them about what bullying is, and see if that fits with what’s happening to them.

Talk to them about what it means to be a good friend, and whether their friend is showing those qualities.

If the bullying is happening at school, ask your child what would need to happen for them to feel safer and happier.

Let them know that it’s not their fault, and that they’ve done the right thing in telling you.

Make sure they know that they can keep talking to you, or to another trusted adult, or to Childline.

Keep a record of what’s going on as evidence should you need it.

If the bullying is taking place at school, the school has a duty to address the situation. Their bullying policy (available on their website) will explain the steps you should go through to report bullying, and what action you can expect them to take.

An additional complication can arise if you know your child’s friend’s parents well; the situation can affect your own friendship, too. In some circumstances, you might want to have a conversation with them about what’s been happening, but you need to gauge whether that’s appropriate.

Some parents might be fair and reasonable and work with you and the children to find a solution to the bullying; others may become aggressive and confrontational themselves. If in doubt, go through the official channels at school and let them handle it.

‘As parents, we often want to give our children strategies to deal with the bullies,’ Wendy says. ‘But the problem there is that we’re suggesting that our children’s behaviour needs to change, when in fact, it’s the bully who needs to change.’

Nevertheless, there are things that may help your child, such as:

• Explaining to the bully that they’re not acting as a good friend should.
• Making an effort to mix with different people, whether that’s sitting with someone different at lunch or trying a new after-school club.
• Doing something kind for someone else to make them feel better about themselves.
• Practise being assertive in a situation where they’re being bullied, perhaps by writing down and rehearsing what they might say.
• Not replying to abusive messages, but saving them to show to you or to their teacher.
• Blocking, deleting or unfriending the bully on mobile technology and social media.

Some friendships never recover from an episode of bullying, and in extreme cases, the bullied child may even end up moving to a new school for a fresh start.

But other friendships are able to weather the storm. ‘All children need to learn how to have differences of opinion, resolve conflicts, and make friends again if they’ve fallen out,’ says Wendy. ‘And although friendship bullying can be a devastating experience, your child may actually learn from it and develop skills they’ll use for life.’