What's the difference between bugging and bullying?

Bullying—it's a word we hear a lot in schools, and with Anti-Bullying Week approaching, schools everywhere are getting ready to spread important messages. But before we jump in, let's pause and ask: what's really the difference between normal conflict—what I like to call bugging—and actual bullying?

As someone who works inside a school every day, I know how distressing it can be for parents when their child comes home upset after an argument. However, it's important to remember that not all conflicts are bullying. In fact, a lot of what happens between children is a natural part of growing up and learning how to manage relationships.

When does bugging become bullying?

In our school, we help children understand the difference between being bugged and being bullied. 

Here's a quick way to break it down:

• Bugging: Minor conflicts—kids arguing over toys, feeling left out, or saying something unkind in the heat of the moment.
• Bullying: Repeated, intentional actions aimed at hurting, excluding, or intimidating another child.

It's so important for everyone—children, staff, and parents—to know this distinction. It helps reduce unnecessary worry when kids are just going through everyday disagreements.

From a parent's perspective: What's going on?

As a parent, it’s natural to worry when your child has had a rough day. Sometimes, after a disagreement at school, parents might come to us concerned that their child is being bullied. But here's what happens a lot of the time: by the time you come in to talk, the kids have already made up and are best friends again! 

I remember one time a parent came in, understandably upset, only for us to see the children in question playing together outside!

Still, I completely understand how upsetting these situations can feel at home. It’s why I always encourage parents to come in and chat with us so we can get a clear picture of what's happening and work together to support all the children involved.

When it's hard to tell

Sometimes, it’s not always clear whether a situation is just a normal disagreement or something more serious. This 'grey area' can leave parents and teachers unsure of when to step in.

When repeated unkind behaviour starts to target the same child, or if it consistently makes someone feel isolated or unsafe, that's when it moves closer to bullying.

In these cases, it’s important to pay attention to patterns—frequency, intent and the impact on the child. If a situation feels like it's becoming more than just a one-off argument, it's always better to err on the side of caution and take action sooner rather than later. 

How schools handle bullying allegations

Whenever a child reports bullying, we take it seriously—always. 

Here’s what we do:

• Log every report: Even minor disagreements are recorded so we can track any patterns that might emerge.
• Investigate: We listen to the children, watch how they interact and talk to parents to get the full story.
• Intervene early: If bullying is confirmed, we act quickly. 
  
  We might:
• Mediate between children
• Use behaviour interventions
• Work closely with families

We’ve found that it’s best to nip it in the bud before things escalate.

Helping children build social skills

Learning how to manage friendships is a key part of growing up. 

Here at school, we teach kids to:

• Know the difference: Between normal falling out (bugging) and bullying.
• Talk to a trusted adult: If they feel upset or uncomfortable.
• Build emotional literacy: So they can express their feelings clearly and understand how their actions affect others.

When a child is behaving in a hurtful way, we also explore the reasons behind it. Is there an unmet need that’s driving this behaviour? By digging deeper, we can often resolve the issue and stop bullying before it takes root.

We’re all in this together

At the end of the day, tackling bullying is a team effort. Schools, parents, and children all need to work together. Rest assured, our staff are trained to spot the signs of bullying and to act when needed. Every teacher wants every child to feel safe, valued and supported at school. If you ever have concerns about your child’s experience, don’t hesitate to go into your child's school and speak with staff.

Let’s work together to ensure our schools are welcoming for all our children.

Matt Revill is a primary school headteacher with over 20 years experience of working in schools. He has worked in a range of settings and currently works within a multi-academy trust of 14 schools. In his free time, he enjoys reading, computing, holidaying and spending time with his family and friends. Matt has a son who is currently working his way through A-levels at college.